Have you ever experienced the burden of hudreds of thoughts that only increase complexity and hinder your spontaneity and effectiveness? How often do you think or say, “That’s not what I meant!” Thoughts that run wild when you try to anticipate a situation, what someone is thinking, or what they might do. Maybe you have had that “I just hope it’s not…”thought in your head. On our worst days, we might even have the thought. “How can you not understand this?”
I am speaking in terms of “us”and “we”for now, so it does not seem like I am the only one.
A Complex Conversation
Conversations ofen involve reacting to what the other person says, action and reaction. We are under time pressure, we want to resolve issues, make progress and we are already busy with the next dilemma or action. In the race we call a workday, we want clarity and concreteness. But why do we then contribute to complexity when we want clarity? Well, nothing human is strange to us.
Have you ever heard someone say, “A penny for your thoughts!” A saying used when someone is clearly lost in their thoughts. How great would it be if you could also notice when someone is tangled up in their thoughts while you are in conversation? That would be a big step in the right direction and would help you seek depth and clarification.
The Key to Effective Conversations
Conversations involve transmitting and receiving, speaking and listening. On both ends of the spectrum, there is a lot of room for noise, and that is exactly what we want to avoid. In my line of work, I often have the advantage of being able to reflect with someone on a conversation that has taken place. Questions I ask include: What was your strategy for the conversation? What did you find challenging about the conversation? People can often explain afterward that they felt time pressure or that based on their own principles and values, there are things you can or cannot say during a conversation.
Reflecting on a conversation often reveals limiting beliefs. For example, “If I was not present, I cannot confront someone about something!” This is an understandable perspective, but is not always true. To continue with this example, what would happen if you shared this thought with the other person? What if you said, “I find it difficult to confront someone about something I have not seen myself. I would like to share what I have heard and then discuss how you perceive this.”
Emotions and Pitfalls
Other situations I hear about involve the impact of emotions in a conversation or recognizing one’s own pitfalls while in a conversation. Recently, someone said, “I noticed that I was talking too much and that I kept on trying to solve the problem.”The person asked me what the best thing to do in such a situation would be. I asked her what she thought would happen if she had shared this in the conversation. She said, “Yes, that would be useful, but how would I say that?” I invited her to literally share with the person what she had told me, but actively directed to the individual. She said, “I notice that I am talking a lot and constantly looking for a solution.
The Importance of Openness
Let me take a step back; I am also very interested in your ideas. What would you do if you had to decide?” She was surprised at how easy it is to share your thoughts, feelings and underlying motives and how it brings clarity to the compexity of a conversation. Using your observation, insight, thought, etc., literally helps to give the other person more insight into what is going on with you and gives you space to step back from a conversation. As long as the thought is in our heads, it is also in our system. You can suffer from it and the other person does not know what is going on. Sharing helps to solve both of those issues.
The Power of Simplicity
Another phenomenon at play is that we make assumptions and draw conclusions in our heads and then act on them. Actively checking assumptions not only helps build trust but also provides clarity! It prevents that frustrating reaction: “Oh that is what you meant!”In terms of ambition, I dare say that striving for perfection is a bit far-fetched, perhaps utopian. However, it is realistic to focus on keeping things simple. Recognize and acknowledge that complexity exists, and then adjust, even if it means revisiting a previous conversation.
Keeping things simple is the toughest thing to do! But it is also remarkably effective and stress-reducing.